


Scars Don't Fade

by Just_A_Wolf



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-20 15:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13720704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_A_Wolf/pseuds/Just_A_Wolf
Summary: You always felt like you were in pain. On the outside you were a great shadowhunter who had many friends but on the inside...you were no one. Will your friends figure that out in time or will you be beyond repair?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first Shadowhunters imagine and I hope you like it. For anyone struggling with any of this please let me know and I can maybe help you. A lot of this comes from my own issues in life so maybe I can relate? Just please talk to me and let me know if you like it or if you think it's inaccurate. Make sure to comment and kudos! Love you guys, bye.

You laughed as you walked down the streets with your friends. Jace having said something funny that you couldn't help but laugh at. The group of you had just finished a mission up after having been looking into it for a little while deeming that it was necessary to have Simon and Magnus by your side as well. The lot of you walked into the dimly lit club. You watched happily as Magnus and Alec sat together, Clary and Alec, doing the same, while also noting the looks that were passed between Simon and Izzy. The two of them just weren't quite ready to go public but you were sure something was going on. Not to mention that both Izzy and Simon are blabbermouths so both have confided in you about the whole thing. Both quickly blushing seeing the smirk you threw their way.

There was laughter all around as everyone talked. You were actually having a really good time. Just as you almost always did when with your friends. You had just been listening to Magnus tell some story about a horrible spell gone wrong when it just occurred to you…you were alone. It was just a thought, an incredibly small thought. One that shouldn't bother you, that shouldn't matter, but it did. And once it had been planted into your mind there was no getting it out. Which meant that the rest of the wait to order you watched as each pair talked, paying special attention to the person they were connected to. The slight shift of an arm over Clary's shoulder. The bump of an arm as Magnus made some personal joke towards Alec, leaning on him affectionately. Simon slyly running his fingers over Izzy's hand.

You paid attention to all of these once meaningless details that now meant so much to you. And it was all your brain could process. You were shaken out of your thoughts as Izzy nudged you playfully causing you to focus back in on your surroundings. All of your friends were watching you with amused glances as you realized it was your turn to order. "Oh sorry! I'll just have a water with fish" Everyone looked at your confused.

"What are you talking about! We're here to celebrate, that means drinking or at least having something with slight grease on it." Jace spoke up not having you on your little health streak. You smiled at his determination and quickly gave in changing your order to fries and a coke instead. This allowed for a small applause from your group to which you confidently took.

"No I'm not kidding! There was this girl who used to pick on me and Simon shoved her into the mud because she made me cry. You know how horrible that looked for a little boy to shove a girl into the mud! I felt so bad when he got sent to the office." Simon hid his face in his hands while Izzy patted his back sympathetically. You all were cracking up but for you the laugh became forced seeing her hand squeeze his shoulder. You wandered how long until you truly had no one. Stupid thoughts! You shook your head trying to rid yourself of the negativity, determined to enjoy your night.

'Why bother? They're all going to eventually see that you're just keeping them all from enjoying themselves. Your dead weight.'

You gripped your fork tightly to keep from physically having to get up and walk it off. In your other hand you clenched your fist hoping one of the two coping strategies would work.

'You should have stayed back after the mission was done. You're just making them feel sorry for you.'

You clenched your fist tighter.

'That's not true. They're my friends and they love me.

'Keep telling yourself that.'

You were nudged again thankfully successfully pulling you out of your own thoughts. "Hmm?" You looked up to once again see the whole group staring at you. You turned around seeing it was most definitely you they were staring at. "What? Do I have ketchup on my face?" You grabbed your napkin to wipe your mouth.

"You spaced. We've been trying to get your attention for two minutes now. You looked agitated, are you okay?" It was Alec who responded to you in his kind caring way that you knew you didn't really deserve. You smiled as sweetly as you could muster.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Guess I'm just tired from the mission." You said shrugging before popping another fry into your mouth….man you wondered how many calories were in these. You had been doing well the last few months, training harder, working harder, losing that extra fat that was making you slower than Alec, Jace, or Izzy. You remembered your mom's words. 'If you're not careful they won't send you on anymore missions.' Very soon after that comment your mother had gone back to Idris. Those words being your parting ones. You were very determined to prove her wrong. The fry in your mouth suddenly didn't seem too tasty anymore.

You smiled as the dancing part of the night began. It had begun as a huge group led by Magnus but once Jace had split off with Clary the whole group began to disperse. Leaving you actually alone for the first time that night. Making every thought in your head suddenly even truer. You looked around trying to find a dance partner but to no avail. Leaving you sitting at the table hoping you looked noticeable enough for someone to ask you to dance. You know, how you always saw in the movies. Some guy would ask you to dance and then from there on it would be love all the way around. You rolled your eyes at your own pathetic desperation. Realizing after twenty minutes that your life was no movie.

Alec and Magnus saw you and tried to wave you over but you waved them off knowing they were only being polite and felt sorry for you. You pretended to enjoy your drink and quietly kept out of everyone's hair. Finally the group came back together. You listened to many more stories finding you really didn't have much to say anymore.

Once the group headed back to the institution bidding a farewell to Alec and Magnus plus Simon. You headed to your room giving a quiet goodnight to Izzy, Jace, and Clary. You closed your door quietly really just wanting to completely disappear for the time being. You knew you were being stupid and whiny and just feeling sorry for yourself but you couldn't help it! These stupid voices just wouldn't stop. You began to get ready for bed quickly taking off your clothes to change. You stopped short seeing your body in the mirror. You frowned poking at your stomach. You hadn't remembered it being that big before. The fries! You realized in horror. All of your progress would be ruined! You couldn't let that happen. You ran to your bathroom quickly pulling up your hair and turning the sink on before jabbing your fingers as far into your throat as possible.

You continued forcing everything out of your stomach until you were only heaving. It was how you knew you had done a good job. You grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge drinking a bit to get rid of the taste of bile. It was then you noticed the scars on your arms, some from fights but some just made to look like they were from fights. You glanced down at your hipbones noting that most of the scars had scabbed over and were healing from a nasty mind game full of self-hatred from the week before. You fought the urge to pull your knife out and tarnish your skin once more. You loved the sight of your blood. Finally deciding on just one cut you went to bed feeling the small trickle of blood soak into your pants.


	2. Pain, Lies, Fear, Denial

Warning: Mentions of self harm, negative thoughts, and eating disorders…you've been warned

Disclaimer: I don't own Shadowhunters, I only own this particular story that your hopefully enjoying

You woke up the next morning to the stinging of your hip. You accepted it knowing it meant you wouldn't forget all die why you did what you did. It would remind you to not screw up again. 'Mother would be so proud.' You thought bitterly rolling your eyes.

You crawled out of bed preparing for the day and the new hunt that would come with it. Honestly you loved your life. You couldn't imagine doing anything else, it wouldn't compare. Your only issue with your life was you. You couldn't let yourself down by not working hard enough. It would serve no purpose in this world. Clary had hardly been here but a few months and she was already catching up to you. Who had been in the institute since birth! You didn't mind Clary, heck you were friends, but that nugget of information rubbed your skin raw.

You walked into the main area of the facility before detouring to the training room. Opting out of breakfast since no one would be there to watch you eat. You began practicing with the knives. Training was like heaven for you. It was just you, some music, and your opponent (who happened to be a mannequin in this case). It was about the only alone time you got in a place like this. You loved your friends and all but sometimes you craved this time where talking wasn't required. You were so deep in your thoughts you didn't notice Alec walk up behind you. It wasn't until you started to feel dizzy did he make his presence known. You had barely leaned down on one knee before he was at your side. "Hey are you okay!" You looked up at him panting. You smiled lightly nodding your head trying to get rid of the concern that was etched onto his face.

"I'm fine Alec, just need a drink is all." Alec watched you skeptically for a second before continuing the conversation.

"Probably some food too. You've probably built up an appetite, come on lets go to Junes (it's a restaurant that you and Alec have gone to for years together). You smiled nodding your head while desperately trying not to show how nervous the thought of eating made you.

"Yeah sounds great, I'll just get a shower and meet you in the center." Alec nodded smiling brightly, while also effectively making your heart melt. It was nice to know you could still bring a smile to Alec's face. You ran off to get a shower…and empty your stomach for your lunch.

After you could only feel acid in your throat you brushed your teeth and put a piece of gum in your mouth effectively hiding the stench and making you feel slightly less hungry. You met Alec by the entrance and were on your merry way. The two of you laughed and talked the whole way to the restaurant. It had been so long since it had just been the two of you. It felt so nice to have something be constant in your constantly changing world.

"Okay so anything new going on in life?" Alec asked after a moment causing you to roll your eyes dramatically.

"Oh my gosh tons so glad you ask!" You spoke sarcastically causing Alec to have to hide his laugh (which he failed of course, he was never able to not laugh when around you). "I trained today…yesterday…and guess what! The day before that too!" You kept up the charade, it would be too fun to do otherwise.

"Wow. Seems like you've been incredibly busy" Alec said playing along as he always did with you.

"I know right! I'm gonna have to take a vacation or something!" The two of you broke out laughing. "Man I've missed this." You spoke after finally getting your breath back. Alec nodded looking up at you with those sincere eyes.

"Yeah me too. Sorry, I guess with Magnus and all we haven't spent much time together." You shook your head not wanting to hear it.

"Alec I adore Magnus and I am so happy for the two of you! You have every right to want to spend time with him! I'm not upset or anything, trust me." He looked relieved as he took a bite of his burger. This caused you to look down at your own burger. You knew that the bread itself was a curse, but taking it off would only cause Alec to be suspicious. You looked up once more noticing Alec watching your curiously.

"Something wrong with your burger? If it's not cooked enough you could take it back and get a new one." Alec knew your distaste for anything that wasn't cooked all the way. You shook your head smiling before taking a large bite.

"It's delicious!" While you mostly said it to get Alec's concern away from your food you also truly meant it. It had been months since you had let yourself near a burger and it. Was. Amazing! You savored every bite. By the time you were full you realized you had cleared your plate. You stared horrified, not able to believe you had cleared the plate. Of fries and all! You were pulled out of your thoughts as Alec spoke.

"Man you must have been starving! I haven't seen you eat that fast since my eleventh birthday party when the spinach dip was running low!" He said chuckling. While the story itself made you laugh you couldn't help but play his words over in your head.

You must have been starving

You must have been starving

You must have been starving

You must have been starving because you're a pig

You must have been starving because you love food too much

You must have been starving because you don't care about yourself enough to say stop.

You laughed along not wanting Alec to notice the change in your demeanor. Alec was smart and you knew it wouldn't take a lot for him to connect the dots. The two of you left the restaurant heading back to the institution. You were so immersed in talking to Alec you didn't realize until it was too late that there was someone in front of you. "Oh so sorry about that!" You said laughing as you stepped back. "Oh hey Magnus!" You said smiling as Magnus was quickly becoming one of your favorite people.

"Hello Y/N, Alexander. What were you two up to?" He gave that sweet smile while also just really seeming interested in what the two of you did.

"Oh we just went to June's. That little burger joint down the street. We've been doing it for years. At this point it's a tradition." Alec said as he nudged you. You were hardly able to focus as the burger weighed down your stomach making you feel as though you would be sick at any moment. You frowned at the movement being forced back into the conversation. Alec was looking at you weirdly and Magnus was doing the same…

"You know I'm actually really tired after all of that training and everything. I think I'm going to go take a nap." You said trying to sound as normal as possible. Alec seemed to understand and nodded waving and seeing he would see you late. Magnus patted your shoulder saying rest up. This mission would surely be exhausting, and if Magnus were honest he was a little concerned about you.


	3. Tensions RIse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So thank you for the views and kudos! It really means a lot to me and makes me want to continue even more. Hope you enjoy the story! Much love- Kaitlyn

Trigger warning: Mentions of eating disorders 

Disclaimer: I still don't own Shadowhunters. 

The story continues..

 

Magus watched as you walked away, while most couldn't tell Magnus's enhanced abilities could pick up on your slightly wavering steps and you walked towards your room disappearing down the hallway. He watched curious as you dug your fingers into your stomach as you crossed your arms. Not to mention the fading out of the conversation. Magnus looked up to Alexander, "Alexander I think we should talk. I think there's something wrong with Y/N"

Alec turned to his boyfriend eying him confused. "What are you talking about? You should have seen her this morning, she was training hard. I don't blame her for being tired." Magnus watched the man in front of him carefully. Alec had voiced slight concerns about in the past, small things like you were quite, or acting different. So he was growing slightly more concerned when he wasn't able to pass it off as Alec being one of your best friends. If Magnus who hadn't known you that long could tell you were off, how off were you actually?

"Alec I really think we should talk about this." Alec turned from his attention to where you had left back to his boyfriend. He could see the worry showing in his eyes and knew if Magnus was concerned after such a small interaction with you, he should probably hear him out.

"Okay, but not here." Magnus nodded quickly grabbing Alec's arm and teleporting the two to his apartment. "Okay this is better, now what has you so worried? You making me nervous." Alec had given up lying to the warlock a long time ago. Magnus paced the floor as he spoke his thoughts out loud.

"Well over the last few months, ever since you introduced us. Y/N and I have gotten along quite well. When I first met her she was constantly full of energy and life and always the life of the party, next to me of course. It's just…these last few weeks she hasn't been that way. Like last night she hardly spoke, and she kept fading in and out of the conversation. Plus she passed up on most of the dancing! We both know that girl loves to dance! I may just be becoming protective or overthinking all of this but I really thinks something's wrong Alexander." By the end of his suspicions Magnus was gripping Alec's shoulders as though they were his lifelong. He better not have been imagining all this!

Alec looked Magnus in the eye, worry slowly taking over. "You noticed she was acting different too?" It was hushed as though it was dirty secret he didn't want anyone else to know. Magnus nodded. "I just thought I was overthinking it. I don't really know when, but I have noticed she trains extra hard, eats healthier, and has just been quieter and more reserved. Honestly half the time she's so focused I hardly ever see her doing anything but missions." He was talking more to himself than to Magnus but he appreciated Magnus's nods and hums of attention. "What should we do?" Magnus could see the fear in his eyes. He sighed thinking it over.

"Let's just be there for her and treat her like normal, if that doesn't work we'll confront her about it. Either way Alexander, she's going to be okay."

In Your Room

You heaved into your toilet as the last of the burger came up. You groaned as you began to feel lightheaded. You stumbled into your bedroom plopping down on the bed. You had just curled up and begun to fall asleep when there was a knock on your door. "Yeah!" You yelled from your place on the bed trying to hide the groan that was threatening to make its way up your throat.

Jace popped his head in smiling at your dazed state. "We're leaving in two hours. Just a heads up." You gave him a thumbs up before plopping back down on the bed causing his to chuckle before closing your door again. Before you knew it you were being surrounded by the wonderful clouds of sleep.

Beep

Beep

Beep

Beep

You snapped up quickly turning off the highly annoying alarm. You frowned noting it was much darker than you remembered it being. You looked at your phone eyes growing wide seeing as you had to be in the center in ten minutes! You quickly ran towards your closet throwing on your uniform and quickly running to grab your weapons and join the others. Jace and Alec were going to kill you!

"What is taking her so long! We're supposed to be leaving now!" Izzy was becoming agitated as this was the first time she had been outside since yesterday, she was craving for a fight and your absence was getting in the way of that.

"I don't know, I told her to be ready. She seemed to know." Jace muttered looking around arms crossed. Clary frowned as there was still no sign of you.

"Alright this is weird, she's never late! In fact she's always here like first." They were startled when you ran up out of breath.

"Sorry sorry sorry! I overslept." You yelled as you ran to your group. Everyone looked at your slightly concerned. Alec was the one that stepped towards you.

"Are you sure your feeling up for this? You don't look so good." You frowned watching him closely. Why wasn't he yelling at you and being all leadery?

"I'm fine, just slept in as all. I'm ready to go if you guys are." Everyone nodded heading for the door. Alec giving Magnus a quick glance before the seven of you were out of the institute.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello just real quick wanted to thank everyone who had liked, favorites, followed, or reviewed this chapter! I appreciate every one of you and am so happy to see people connecting to this story. Alright that's the end of the rant…let's continue

Breathe

In

Out

In

Out

Keep walking

Don't stop

Take a drink of water

Keep blinking

Stop shaking

You should have ate

Alec and Magnus watched you closely as you walked slightly ahead of them. It was easy to tell something was off. Everyone could tell, even Simon and Clary were watching you worriedly. Jace was walking alongside you along with Izzy. Magnus watched cautiously as you pulled out your water, your hand shaking ever so slightly. Magnus concern was becoming stronger with each step you took. How were you going to be able to fight if you could hardly drink water?

Alec was just as worried as Magnus. You weren't acting like you at all. Usually you were joking and talking nonstop until the mission absolutely required you to be serious, but this time….you hadn't spoken a word since you left the institute. Alec felt his throat tighten seeing you stumble ever so slightly. It was noticeable if you were paying attention. You quickly straightened up, keeping up with Jace's and Izzy's strides.

You tried to listen to Alec's instructions as you stood outside the building of the club. But all you could hear was the buzzing that was swarming your head. Your vision kept blurring as you tried to focus on Alec's words. You were at least able to follow what he wanted you to do and what kind of demon you were after, but any detail was lost on you as you split into your prospective groups. You walked through the entrance with Izzy and Magnus by your side. The three of you split off once you found the demon you were after. You watched as Izzy went up to chat him up while you Magnus planned to surround him while leaving gaps and unlocking the doors so the others could get in without being caught.

You watched closely as Izzy tried to pull the demon closer to you and Magnus, which wasn't that hard considering the demon couldn't take its eyes off of Izzy. The thought sickened you, you hated how she had to use her body for these missions but knew it was one of the only effective ways to get their attention. Once it was in the back you and Magnus waited for the signal. "Now!" Izzy quickly pulled out he whip tightly trapping the monster inside it. While Magnus and you ran towards it ready for the kill. Magnus put a weakening spell on it allowing you for a clear cut.

You pulled out your seraph blade swinging as powerfully as you could but found you missed….what? You never missed. "Y/N hurry!" You swung again but the demon blocked it before charging at you. You gasped realizing that your blade was no longer in your hand but on the other side of the room! You flipped out of the way before its claws could catch you. You turned confused as it screamed it pain seeing Magnus burn it allowing for you to fully get out of the way and get your blade.

Just as you were preparing for another attack black dots began to surround your vision…no…no now! NO no no no! You bent down on one knee blinking rapidly. You turned confused as you felt a hand on your shoulder. "Y/N what is it! Did it get you?" You looked up attempting to focus on the person in front of you. "A-Alec?" Just as he was about to answer you felt someone scream and push you out of the way. You landed with a thud on top of Alec. You turned confused as to what happened. You saw Jace begin fighting the demon alongside Magnus, and Izzy. Clary and Simon were there too. Man this was more powerful than you had thought!

You turned hearing your name. Y'N…Y/N can you hear me?" Alec was holding you by the shoulders staring at you worriedly. Your eyes were out of focus and every movement you made was slow. It didn't even seem like you realized he was in front of you. Finally you were able to focus on him shaking your head.

"Yes sorry, I just…felt weird for a minute." You frowned looking back to the fight where Clary had just been knocked over and Jace was getting her to safety. "Come on we have to help!" You yelled to Alec before running towards the demon taking a slice at him. It screamed in pain as you stabbed him. You watched as it burst into flames. You were out of breath and went to help Jace get Clary up.

"Nice one Y/N." You smiled mumbling a quick thanks while you looked over Clary for injuries. She didn't seem to have any so you went back over to join the rest.

"Nice work Y'N! I've never really got to see you in action before. You like a total ninja!" You smiled blushing at Simon's sweet comments.

"Thanks, any of the others could have done it. I just happened to have an opportunity."

"Hey don't sell yourself short. I don't think I could have done it."

"Simon you were tons of help. We most certainly couldn't have done it without you and Magnus." You nudged him with your arm trying to get him to think better of himself. He laughed looking down to the floor blushing. His blush though suddenly became very serious.

"Oh my gosh! Y/N you're bleeding!" You looked down confused to see your shirt was indeed covered in blood…oh no! Simon began to lift your shirt up.

"Simon it's fine, it's just a scratch." You tried to pull your shirt back down but Simon wasn't going to have it.

"It's not okay! You have to let me check! Alec said that this demon had poisonous fangs, he could have bit you and maybe you didn't realize it!" By now Simons yelling had gathered the rest of the group. You groaned as Simon checked your stomach seeing that it was coming from your hip.

"Did he get you? I thought you got out of the way in time?" It was Magnus who spoke. He looked concerned and confused. Magnus was almost certain he had watched you move out of the way, plus he had been there to stop it from hitting you. You shrugged trying to not panic.

"I guess he scratched me. He didn't bite me. I know that for sure." Jace came closer as he examined your hip. Those kind of look like claw marks. If they're not deep she'll be fine. Only his fangs had poison." He patted your shoulder before pulling you all back outside. Alec watched from the back of the group. He had seen your cuts and was positive a monsters claws wouldn't have been that clean.

"Hey Y/N can I see your scratch really quick?" He didn't bother keeping the skepticism out of his voice as he watched you. Eyes watching your movements and reactions carefully. You knew Alec was the one you had to be highly careful with. You nodded watching him eyes locked as you slowly lifted your shirt for him to see. Alec was right in what he had seen before. Those weren't claw marks. Much too tiny, much too precise. "Hmm." Was all he added before looking you in the eye. "Those look awful small to be a demons claw mark." You smiled though it looked more like a grimace.

"Yeah I thought so too. Weird huh?" With that you walked forward to match pace with Izzy and Clary. You all began to head to the institution when Alec suddenly had one last idea to see if you were going to open up about what was wrong with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest I probably could have finished this, but I'm tired and it's midnight so just know we're coming to the end of this story. Just saying while I have plenty of ideas I'm always up for requests if anyone has something they personally want to see. Anyway have a goodnight everyone and see you tomorrow.


	5. One Last Try

Pain Fades but Scars Don’t   
Chapter 5   
Just One More Try  
Disclaimer: I somehow still don’t own Shadowhunters…shocking huh?   
Trigger warning: Low self-esteem, graphic self-harm, hints at an eating disorder.

Story Starts Here…

 

“Hey I’m starving, you guys want to go get some food?” The others immediately agreed. All accept you. You watched Alec eyes hard as he matched your look, his only 

slightly gentler. His eyes squinted ever so slightly, he was seeing if you would argue the idea. Which of course you would try. 

“You know that was a pretty hard hunt and I should probably disinfect this scratch so I think I’ll head back.” You started to walk away when Jace grabbed your arm. 

“Hey wait.” You bit your lip trying to keep from gasping at the pain of a week old cut. Luckily you were turned away from him so he couldn’t see the look of pain. You turned 

around slowly trying to avoid having his hand rub your wrist any more than it already was. “Are you sure you don’t want to come? We don’t have to stay and party or 

anything, we could just grab a bite and go. I’m sure you’re hungry after all.” He looked at you with pleading eyes and a small smile that you couldn’t resist. As long as you 

had known Jace he had never denied you anything, who were you to do that to him now? You sighed giving in and smiling at him. 

 

“Alright, but just for food.” The group cheered and the seven of you went back to the same club as before. You pulled Alec to the side almost as soon as you had a free 

moment. “Alec what is your deal? Are you mad at me or something?” He stared at you face blank as you spoke. 

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” His calm voice only made you angrier. 

“Do you want to be more specific?” He scoffed leaning in closer, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t slightly intimidated. 

“What is going on with you? You hardly eat, your beginning to look skeletal, you spend most of your time sleeping, and we both know that those marks on your hip 

aren’t from any physical demon. Y/N I’m always going to be here for you, but I can’t help you if you won’t let me.” He gently grabbed your arm rubbing it comfortingly up 

and down. “Let me help you.” You looked down at his arm on your hand so gentle and sweet. Part of you really wanted to let him. Really wanted to open up to him and let 

him be there for you. You knew you had kept everything bottled up for too long. You looked into his eyes that were so full of hope. 

‘You don’t deserve help. Your nothing.’ 

The voice was back. You inwardly sighed fighting back tears and you stared him straight in the eye.

‘Once he knows he won’t care about you anymore. You will only be the pathetic broken Shadow hunter who sucks at her job. You should do everyone a favor and rid of the 

world of you before things get worse.’

Your jaw clenched as you looked up at your friend. You knew what you had to do. It was the only way to keep him safe and happy, away from you. “Alec I’m fine. I think 

your just reading a little too into this. I haven’t felt well because I’m not sleeping well. That’s the reason for the lack of eating, the over exercise, and the naps. I’m trying to 

make myself tired so I have to sleep. I’m fine honestly. You don’t need to worry about me.” You said with a soft smile while gently removing his hand from your arm. You 

watched his eyes fill with sadness and despair. You were sure he saw through the act, but at least you hadn’t given him actual information. Things would go back to the way 

they were. You just had to be patient. You walked to join the rest of the group. Jace and Magnus were the only ones who had seemed to notice anything was going on. 

“Are you and Alec okay?” jace asked as you sat down next to him. You forced a smile on your face. He had his arm around yours in one of those comforting friend 

ways. 

“Yeah we’re fine. He just wanted to make sure I wasn’t actually hurt from the mission.” You said with a shrug before looking down at the menu. You looked up as you 

felt someone watching you. Magnus sat across from you watching you sympathetically. You frowned mouthing “Are you okay?” To which you only got the also silent 

response 

“Are you?” You nodded your head getting that he and Alec most likely had the same idea about your health. An idea that was much too close to the truth for your comfort. 

You watched as Alec came over sitting by Magnus. He stayed silent opting to just listen to the rest of the group as did you. When it finally came time to order you felt that 

familiar drop in your stomach. ‘Oh great.’ 

‘Try not to get anything too fattening. Don’t need you being any slower than you already are.’ 

The voice seemed to spit in your ear.

You focused on the words on the menu. When it came time for you to order you stuck with a salad and a water. Jace didn’t fight you over it this time but simply rolled his 

eyes at you. You smiled seeing feeling you had done the right thing. Plus Jace made you feel like you belonged at times like this. Alec and Jace had never been mad at you at 

the same time, so you knew you would always have at least one to rely on. That thankfully had not changed. 

 

You ate your salad and focused on the conversation around you. This allowed for you to not think too much about eating while also making you not cause as much 

concern from your friends. You were actually enjoying yourself as you listened to Simon tell a joke. It was cringey of course but that’s what made it so great. Finally it came 

time to head back. You began the walk back inwardly sighing as you felt the presence of a certain warlock come up beside you. “Hello Magnus” You were nice and smiled 

since you did enjoy the Warlocks presence but you could almost guarantee that his sudden need to talk to you wasn’t just out of the blue. 

 

“Y/N.” He acknowledged you as you had him. The two of you walked in a fairly peaceful silence. The rest of the group doing their own thing. The two of you only a 

little ahead of them. “You know I’m not really one to jump around the gun so I’m just going to ask. Are you and Alec okay?” You frowned looking at him and seeing the 

concern on his face…did Alec think you two weren’t friends anymore? 

“Yeah we’re fine.” You gave him a smile showing that you truly meant it before you looked forward. 

“And are you okay?” You smiled slightly, ever so slightly looking back at him. There was that concern, still etched onto his face. You bumped into him playfully as you 

responded. 

“Of course I’m okay.” He smiled at your playfulness but the concern was still there. 

“Y/N I’m serious.” 

“Believe me I know you are, but like I said. I’m fine. I’m always fine.” 

“Your just saying that and we both know it.” 

“You don’t know anything about me.” You were getting mad now. The two of you had stopped walking and your noses were quite close to touching. 

“I know you better than you think. I’ve been through those periods of not liking myself too Y/N. It’s something that you can’t ignore. It will only get worse, suddenly those 

little scars are everywhere.” Something about him mentioning your scars angered you. You felt yourself losing control of your temper. 

“I suggest you stay out of my problems. You and I are not the same. You don’t know what your talking about. Like I said I’m fine, thanks for the concern.” As soon as 

you had spoken the last sentence you began to walk faster towards the institute desperately wanting to just go to your room and get away from everyone. You heard voices 

behind you. You didn’t care. As long as they didn’t bother you none of that mattered. 

‘Why would they bother you? Let’s remember who bothers who? Don’t delude yourself into thinking they actually care about you. They’re just doing their jobs. They have to 

keep you out of the way. It would be better if you weren’t there at all wouldn’t it?’

 

You clenched your fist and walked as fast as you could. You needed to get this over with before you talked yourself out of it. You were almost to the door when Jace caught 

up to you. “Hey Y/N wait!” You paused holding the door for him. “Where are you going? Is everything okay?” 

You nodded being really grateful to have Jace in your life. Even if he did only care about you because he had to. “Yeah I’m fine. Your talking about Magnus right? He 

was just worried about that stupid scratch. I’m going to go disinfect it and go to bed.” You said goodnight and walked towards your room. As soon as you had closed the 

door you locked it throwing all of your stuff into the corner. You grabbed your knife and a bottle of pain medicine. You quickly downed as much of the bottle as you could. 

You then took out your knife. You held out your wrist. Before you could rethink any of it you slit your wrist as deep as you could. You gasped feeling the fire flare up in your 

arm. You pushed the blade deep into your wrist watching the blood pour out. It was beautiful, so perfect and dark. It may have been the only beautiful thing about you. 

The thought made you smile. People would finally see your beauty. You carefully switched the knife your other hand making sure to not drop it as you repeated the 

process to your other arm. Once the cuts were complete you dropped the knife not seeing the need for it anymore. You let your arms fall to your side and leaned further 

into your pillows. You pulled the blanket up around you. Man it was getting cold. You suspected this had something to do with dying. Didn’t people always so it was cold 

when you die? Or was that just in movies? You supposed it didn’t really matter. 

You sighed sadly realizing that you hadn’t wrote a letter. Your friends…your family they wouldn’t know why you did what you did. You let it go realizing there was no 

way you had the strength to write a letter let alone do it without getting blood on it. You closed your eyes feeling a tear run down your cheek. You took a shaky breath 

before closing your eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought I’d finish this tonight but I learned after reading a bit of something I wrote last night that I make tons of mistakes when I’m tired and who knows if this will even make sense as the words are sort of starting to blur. If it doesn’t make sense will someone let me know? Did you know that the ability to be able to cope with little sleep comes from a gene? I certainly don’t have that gene, I can’t function properly without eight hours at least. Anyway thank you so so so much for every review, follow, and favorite to me or this story. Every time I get an email that someone has done one of these things it just makes me so happy. It is you guys that I should thank every day for actually reading this stuff I make up in my head. Well I’m ready to pass out. So I shall hopefully see you in the writing world once again tomorrow. Night night. –Kaitlyn


	6. Much Worse Than It Once Appeared

Simon and Clary had stayed slightly behind during the whole argument and the other Shadowhunters. Neither of them knew you quite as well as the others and didn't

really see the need to get involved. You seemed fine besides the arguments with Magnus and Alec. While they didn't know what was going on they did think it was wise

to give you space. This is why they stayed silent as you yelled at Magnus before turning away from the group. Jace ran after you while Izzy, Alec, and Magnus stayed

not too far behind.

"What happened? Why did she snap?" It was Izzy who asked. She was becoming worried about you and she had a feeling of who had the answers to her worry. She

knew you had been acting different, seeming more reserved, and losing weight. She just assumed it had something to do with your mom and decided she would find out

about it when you were ready to talk. That time just hadn't come yet. Magnus looked guilty and upset to which Alec put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not sure I handled that right. I thought if I let her know I could relate to her she would be more willingly to talk and accept what's happening, but it only made her

angrier. I think I might have just made things much worse." Izzy looked confused but watched as Alec seemed to know exactly what Magnus was talking about.

"Okay what do the two of you know that I don't?" The two looked up at her. Both men held something in their eyes, that something resembled fear. They looked

between each other, Magnus nodding. Alec looked his sister in the eyes, sighing. It seemed he was contemplating something in his head.

"Let's just find Jace and then I'll tell you. I want everyone here." So the rest of the group went off to find Jace who had just finished his conversation with you and was

getting ready to go to bed himself. "Jace wait!" Jace turned confused to see the group looking so serious.

"Alec what is it?" He couldn't help but feel worried as his parabatai gently guided him towards his room.

"We need to talk, alone." The group gathered in Jace's room as it was the closest place where they wouldn't be overheard.

"Ok so what is it?" Jace was never one to avoid the obvious and this silence and intensity was really getting under his skin. Alec looked up taking a shaky breath before

pulling out a chair and sitting across from the rest of the group, while Magnus opted to stand in the corner putting a hand on Alec's shoulder for support.

"Y'n's in trouble." Everyone was immediately on guard coming to the conclusion Alec meant immediate danger that involved Valentine or something, not realizing he

meant something entirely different.

"Well come on them what are we waiting for!" Jace and Izzy were ready to leave when Magnus held them back.

"I think you'll want to hear the rest of what he has to say." They looked confused but sat back down waiting for Alec to continue.

Alec sent a grateful nod towards Magnus before looking back to his fellow Shadowhunters plus Simon. "Magnus and I noticed Y/n's weird behavior a few weeks ago and

I quickly noticed she wasn't eating a lot or sleeping. She also has been training hardcore, which we all know because she can take any of us down with all of that

training, but I don't think it's healthy. Plus she has…she has these marks on her wrist and her side. She didn't think I noticed, but her shirt rode up during a training

session and I saw them, plus their on her wrist as well. These perfect little straight lines. Guys I'm pretty sure Y/n's really messed up." They listened carefully and

quietly. None knowing what to say. Jace was shaking with anger and everyone and everything. Knowing you were hurting and he hadn't noticed. You were one of his

best friends and he hadn't noticed! Clary and Simon only felt sympathy and worry for you. Simon knew especially what you were gong through because he had been

through something similar himself. He ran his fingers along his old scars along his wrist as he listened to Alec talk. Izzy wanted nothing more than to go find you, slap

you, and then hug you until you couldn't breathe.

"Wait and how did you find out about all of this?" Jace asked turning to Magnus.

Magnus seemed to think for a second. "I have had many friends in my life and a few have shown similar symptoms to Y/N's. Once Alec mentioned her lack of eating and

the extra training plus what I could perceive on my own. I was almost positive I knew what we were dealing with."

"Which is what exactly?" Izzy wasn't really sure whether she was asking because she didn't honestly know or because she needed to hear someone else say it but she

waited for the answer tensely.

"I think that Y/N wants to hurt herself….however she can." Alec said it softly trying to keep himself from crying thinking about it. Thinking about you hurting so much

mentally that you needed to hurt physically too. He didn't understand it, any of it! But he would help you however he could. His thoughts were interrupted as Simon

stood up.

"We need to find her then. I've been there and we need to help her as soon as possible, before this gets really out of hand." He was out the door before anyone else had

even stood. We all headed to the training room figuring that's where she'd be, but she wasn't.

"She said she was going to disinfect her cuts! The infirmary!" We all ran towards the infirmary stopping short at the entrance to find she wasn't there either. As we

made it closer to the hall her room was in Simon stopped. He sniffed, eyes worried as he spoke.

"I smell blood, a lot of it!" He ran to her door knocking harshly before kicking it down. "Y/n!"

"Y/N are you he-" I couldn't finish my sentence as I saw her pale form laying under her sheets. I ran towards the bed not caring if I woke her up. I moved her blanket

covering my mouth "Oh my gosh!" The blood was soaked into the bed, the gashes in her arm somehow still spurting out blood as though she had a limitless supply. I

gripped down on her wrists trying to keep them from bleeding.

"Someone find towels, gauze and a doctor!" Magnus rushed to my side gasping before quickly using his magic to try to heal her. Jace was at her side in a second quickly

drawing the healing runes onto her skin. He tried over and over but they would only fade away.

"It's not working!" He threw the steel standing up and running his hands through his hair! "Alec what do we do! Magnus is your magic working?" Magnus looked up face

grim as he struggled to speak.

"It's helping but not by much I can only keep the blood in but we're going to have to get her a hospital."

"What if you use my strength! Would that work!" She had to live. She COULDN"T DIE. Magnus shook his head.

"It would only increase what I'm already doing, it won't heal her though." He sighed looking down at her. His eyes full of fear and sadness. "Someone call 911." Jace and

I looked at each other before Jace's phone was out and he was talking to someone. I quickly grabbed her taking her outside where the ambulance would be waiting.

Clary and Simon bandaged her as best as they could. Everyone sat in silence not knowing what to say or do. Magnus being the only one capable of anything at the

moment. Why would you do this to yourself?

Alec paced the hall as they waited to hear the news on your condition. Ever since they had gotten here there had been nothing but silence. Nothing could be heard

except Isabelle's sniffling and the sound of Alec's boots hitting the floor. Magnus stood not able to stomach sitting until he knew you were okay. He was so fond of you

and knew your time together was not yet done. There were way too many adventures left to go on! You loved adventures, you had to stick around for them. Clary was

pale and just continued to stare at the floor on her hands. She didn't know you super well but she really did like you. You were the youngest Shadow hunter but yet you

had this unique ability about you. She had tried to explain it and had never been able to find the right words. All she knew is she wanted to know you better. Nothing

would be the same without you.

Jace stood against the wall jaw clenched in anger. He had no idea who he was angrier at you, the angels, Alec, or God. All of which could have done something to help

you! How could you do this! They all cared so much about you! Did you not realize everyone would miss your jokes, your crazy stories, your laugh, your smile, or even

just the atmosphere that followed you wherever you went. How could you not know how much you were loved? Jace decided when you woke up, because you would

wake up. He'd make sure you knew all of these things every day. Because if you ever weren't there, it would kill him and everyone else who had ever cared for you.

You could not die!


	7. The Unknown

It had been eight hours. Nothing was for certain. Doctors would come speak to the group of panicked and distraught family members to inform them she was still in

surgery, but they could never guarantee she would be okay. Alec couldn't help but think about you. His mind flashing to every memory the two of you had ever shared,

from your first rune, to your first mission, to your first fight. All of which made Alec miss you all the more. You had been his friend for as long as he could remember.

You were family. You were the girl he came to everything about. you were the one that gave him good advice and told him to be himself. It was you who had

encouraged Alec to ask Magnus out, who had encourage him to be open and honest, to break the rules every once in a while. If you didn't wake up he wasn't quite sure

what he'd do. Alec decided once it hit hour eight that this is what Hell felt like.

 

Jace watched Alec out of the corner of his pacing. He was becoming more and more irritated by the minute but couldn't find it in him to story the boy. He smiled

thinking back to a time when Alec's pacing had driven you insane. You had been waiting outside the infirmary to hear back about how Izzy was doing after a mission

gone wrong. Alec paced and paced and paced and finally you had grabbed him by the arms promising him the world if he would only stop that God awful pacing! Jace

had watched amused as Alec nodding mumbling sorry before joining you sitting on the floor. He looked around the room seeing all the different reactions to your

possible death and couldn't help but wonder, how did you, one of his best friends, think for a second that no one would miss you?

 

Magnus tried, he really did. He really thought that he could say something to help you. Apparently he was wrong. It wasn't the first time that he had screwed up in a

way that affected someone's life. His memories took him back to another time words were important. His mother had seen him sitting on the porch steps when he was

supposed to be in school. She scolded him without looking at him. He wanted nothing more than a glance his way. He wanted his mom to see him as more than a

monster. He wanted to be her sweet little boy again. Magnus listened as his mom told him to go back to school and for the man who wasn't his father to come and get

him. "I love you Mama." He said it over and over wanting her to hear him and say it back, but she seemed to do neither. He had gone back to school and come home to

dead mother that night, he could only hope that he wouldn't lose a friend he's come to think of as a sister.

 

Izzy only sat. She found herself able to do nothing else. She could see and hear the movement around her but found she didn't care to pay attention to any of it. Izzy

wanted to find you and heal you herself, but knew that if Magnus couldn't save you that these people were your last hope. She didn't understand, not one bit. You had

always been so happy, supportive, and encouraging. So fun all the time! Never seeming to have a care in the world. What would make you want to do this? Izzy's mind

ran to every possible thing that could have ever set you off. She couldn't help but worry that she had something to do with it. She thought about every fight you had

ever had. The most memorable being that you hadn't approved of Melliorn not because he was a "downworlder" but because you had a suspicion that he didn't actually

care about Izzy. You knew Izzy better than most and knew deep down she wanted love. The two of you had fought for a good hour before deciding it was time to fight it

out. "If I knock you down you don't see him again. Deal?" You had asked as you picked up your weapon. Izzy had thought it over deciding she could beat you.

"Deal." The fight had been broken apart though when Alec and Jace deemed it too intense claiming it would look bad if you killed each other. So no one had ever really

won and in the end you had been right and Izzy hadn't seen him since. She could only hope that in the end she would get to tell you.

 

 

Clary sat next to Izzy finding herself not wanting to do much either. She had grown up in the real world and had faith in the Doctors that the others (excluding Simon)

didn't have. She watched them run around and did something she hadn't done in years. She prayed. She prayed that you would be okay and that you would tell them

what was wrong so they could help you. Clary considered herself perceptive but kicked at herself for never noticing. Looking back how could she not? "Hey." She had

walked up to you smiling. She had been at the institute for a few weeks and had quickly decided you were the best bet for a normal conversation since you had grown

up in the institute and in the mundane world. You didn't respond though. She watched you, noticing the faraway look in your eyes. How your nails dug into your arms

that already seemed to have marks. Clary had always deemed them marks from a mission. She put a hand on you causing you to jump before snapping your head

towards her. She watched as the faraway look faded from existence. Now she could only wonder why it had come back.

 

 

Simon was praying. He had been since the group of you had gotten in the ambulance. He held your hand figuring you would want the comfort if you were awake. He had

prayed to God that you would make it through this, promising to never leave your side again. To always be there when you needed to cry or felt the need to ever

do….anything like this again! He had watched you in the ambulance trying not to cry at how pale you were. Watching as your chest only rose because someone was

making it happen. He thought back to good times. He hadn't known you long but you had a habit of always leaving an impression. "Hi." You waited smiling sweetly as he

looked around to make sure you were talking to him.

 

"Oh hey! Uh who are you?"

 

"Oh I'm a friend of Clary's. She'll be right out. She was pretty banged up when she got here so we were just taking care of her. Don't worry she's fine!" He was pretty

sure you added that last part based on the panic in his face. You kept that smile on your face the whole time you talked to him. You looked down at his shift recognizing

it immediately. He had to admit he liked the way your eyes lit up. "Hey! Bon Jovi. Nice, I love their stuff." You commented pointing at his shirt. He was so amazed that

someone as pretty as you (next to clary of course) liked Bon Jovi. Normally girls your age were only into Selena Gomez, not the classics.

 

"Yeah I'm a huge fan. Dead or alive all the way." She nodded smile growing wider.

 

"Me too. It's by far the best of their work." The two of you since then talked about all sorts of music and basically anything that came to your mind. He hadn't known

 

you long but he really wanted you to pull through. He was quite positive that there were many more bands you had to talk about.

 

 

Beep

 

Beep

 

Beep

 

You gasped as your lungs filled up with air you never thought you'd breathe again.

 

You were alive.

 

 

This wasn't part of the plan.


	8. With Scars Come Strength, With Strength Comes The Ability to Be Okay

After the initial relief faded was when the real questions came. There was a moment of silence as the laughter died down before the unavoidable came up. "Why'd you

 

do it?" You looked up meeting eye contact with Jace before diverting them to the white sterile sheets of your bed. You didn't know if you didn't respond immediately 

 

because you were thinking of an answer or if you were hoping the question would be forgotten and everyone could remain somewhat happy.

 

 

"You won't get it." You fiddled with your hands, running your fingers along the tubes connected to you. You didn't meet anyone's gaze far too ashamed.

 

 

"Then enlighten me." It was a demand and you knew it. He was angry, they all had a right to be. You nodded trying to find the words.

 

'Jace-"

 

"Alec he's fine, he's mad and he has a right to be. As do all of you. It's hard to explain…I was sick of being worthless, of being nothing, of holding everyone back. I 

 

figured this was going to be the most painless way possible for everyone. I didn't expect you to find me."

 

"Who did you think was going to find you!" Jace stood as he yelled at you causing you to flinch.

 

"I don't know. I'm sorry." Jace got closer to you leaning his hands onto your bed.

 

"Sorry isn't going to cut it Y/N! You hurt everyone here, we get an explination!" You expression stayed fixated on your bed hands clutched trying to control everything

you were feeling. You sighed to yourself as you realized you weren't getting out of this anytime soon.

 

"I didn't mean to hurt you, any of you. I only wanted to hurt myself, to not feel anything, because not feeling anything is so much better than feeling like your 

worthless." You clenched your fists harder as the tears started to run down your face.

 

"You really didn't think you dying would hurt any of us? That we wouldn't miss you like crazy? That we wouldn't spend everyday wishing you were still here?" You shook

your head as your shoulders shook.

 

No?" It was heartbroken and your voice cracked as you said it. It was hushed and sounded as though a child had said it. Jace felt himself start to crack as your 

shoulders heaved with a sob.

 

'Hey. It's going to be okay." He sat down next to you putting his arms around you as you sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." You said it over and over

 

until it didn't even sound like a sentence anymore. Jace rubbed your back trying to soothe you. Magnus watched from his spot in the back.

 

"Y/N would it be easier for you to explain what's happening if you could show us?" You looked up from your teary gaze frowning.

 

"How would you do that?" Magnus smiled gently at you putting his hand in the air

 

"Magic." You gave him the smallest of smiles, which he treasured greatly. He came towards you putting his hands on your head. "Okay show us want your wanting to 

explain. Show us how you feel." You closed your eyes focusing all of your energy to find the memory that would explain it the best. There were so many, losing you 

parents, losing your siblings, trusting the wrong people, bad relationships. You finally decided on your first time cutting.

 

Three years ago

 

 

The whole day had sucked. You had been punished for sleeping in and missing training which meant you would be missing out on the mission that night and be training

all day. With no other than the boy who broke your heart, a person punishment from your mother. Though you didn't really consider her your mother much anymore, 

after an failed mission a year ago your mother didn't find pride in you anymore. Her eyes used to light up when you walked in the room but now you were lucky if she

looked at you at all.

 

You breathed heavily as your ex took no mercy on you. Of course you wanted none. You fought as hard as you could taking all your anger out on him. It felt good to 

knock him to the floor but after a while he would get mad. It was after one of your midday training session as it was time to eat. You gasped as someone grabbed your

hair. You began to fight but your wrist was caught and turned to an almost breaking point. You froze waiting for it. You were pressed against someone's chest. "If you 

think you can get by with that you are sadly mistaken." You frowned looking down as his hand landed on your breast. You turned to fight him but he shoved you onto 

the mat. He was stronger than you as much as you hated to admit it, plus you had no advantage.

 

You were going to call for help when his hands found their way around your throat. "If you even think about screaming I'll make this so much worse." He roughly pulled

your pants and underwear down before undoing his own. You fought even against his wishes but quickly realized that wasn't the right move either, because there wasn't

a right move. He entered you harshly, taking no time to let you adjust, he slammed into you repeatedly making you cry silently.

 

"Please stop!" You had begged only once but he hadn't listened and you didn't want to seem weaker than you already were. You stayed silent as he finished and left you

there are on the floor. You had remained calm up until he spoke to you one last time.

 

"That was fun, we should do it again sometime." You didn't even turn around. You waited until the door slammed to run to your room and vomit. You puked for what felt

like hours until all you could do was heave. You finally dragged yourself to the shower roughly cleaning every part of your body trying to get rid of his touch. Once you 

felt even the slightest bit of comfort you sunk to the bottom of the shower. The water surrounded you making you feel safe, and for the first time that day you cried. 

You don't know how long or when you saw the razor but you pulled it down slowly. You stared at it contemplating how worth it was it? Ever so slowly you put the razor

to your wrist pushing only deep enough to cut, You blood drooled down your wrist and made little patterns onto the floor. You don't really know why, but you smiled. 

You had felt something other than misery. You would become strong, one cut at a time.

 

 

Flashback over

 

You opened your eyes to see Magnus's fading back to their normal color. You looked around to see the others doing so as well. "So you all saw?" Your voice was rough

and fragile. Almost bitter. They all looked at your which such sympathy it made you want to puke, but you also somewhat appreciated it. You looked to each of them 

Clary and Izzy both were crying. Clary crying more as tears streamed down her cheeks while Izzy remained slightly more composed. Simon and Jace looked furious 

while Magnus and Alec both still held onto you, both holding the kindest look of compassion you had ever seen. Both making you feel so safe and loved. You gripped

both of their hands tightly sending them tense smiles. It was your quiet way of saying "thank you" and they knew it.

 

They all nodded waiting to see who would speak their thoughts first. It was of course Jace. "Did you tell anyone, please tell me that douche isn't still at the Institute?" 

You looked up to him, his gaze softened upon seeing yours. Your smile giving him an odd comfort as you put your hand on his cheek attempting to calm him down.

 

"Yes I reported it, no he's not there anymore. Besides this was at a different institute. I left that one pretty soon after." You slightly dreaded the next question, knowing of course Izzy would not be one to skip over details.

 

"Why would you leave? You did nothing wrong." You sighed looking up at her. It was seemed your friends were going to be learning a lot about you tonight.

 

"A lot happened during that time. The next day I reported him and he was deruned and exiled. My mom pulled me to the side after the whole thing was and told me that

I should have fought harder, they had the videos of what happened and she said I gave up. She told me I should never give up…" You took a moment to clear your 

throat and wipe your tears. This was the really hard part to speak about. "About a week later after I was cleared to continue on missions I went with my younger 

brother and my best friend at the time. It was a small hunt to get me back into things and because it was my brothers first hunt, he was at the top of his class so he

was ahead, but it turned out not to be so small, we were just supposed to take out a rogue werewolf but that wasn't the case. The wolf wasn't alone and we didn't' 

realize it until it was too late. The three of us were fighting as hard as we could but then I heard the loud scream coming from my baby brother…I couldn't go to him

right away or we would have all died. I fought with my friend until they were gone three minutes later. For three minutes I ignored the person who mattered most to me

while he was dying.

 

I begged my friend to call for backup as I held him in my arms. He was trying so hard to be strong. He hardly cried at all, but I could tell he was suffering. He had lost

 

so much blood. By the time anyone found us he was already gone…he was only eleven. It was his first hunt." Izzy and Alec felt something in their hearts break, they 

could only imagine how you felt since they had once almost lost Max. They both moved closer to you holding you tight as you fought your hardest to not break down.

Magnus watched you, swallowing harshly, attempting to hold the tears back. He placed his hand gently on your leg. You looked at him, your wide eyes watering.

 

"No, don't do that Y/N. Stop holding things back. It's most likely how you got here in the first place. We've all been through things, no one here is going to judge you.

We're your family." You smiled greatfully before completely breaking down, allowing eveyr emotion over the last few years to take over. By the time you were finished

crying along with quite a few of the others you were so tired. As much as you wanted to sleep you knew this conversation wasn't over. You waited wiping your nose. It

was Simon who spoke next.

 

"I don't get it. Why do you hurt yourself? You don't deserve it and it doesn't' change anything that's happened?" He wasn't trying to be mean, he was just curious, and

you knew that. You nodded towards him as you spoke.

 

"I don't really know how to explain it. It's like people can't see or feel what you feel and that makes you feel crazy. So you do whatever you can to make that pain real.

It numbs it in a way. I remember that feeling of actual pain after all of the mental stuff, it just makes things clearer. It's the same way with not eating. It's like 

punishing yourself so that you can be stronger."

 

"How does not eating make you stronger?" Izzy watched you suspiciously, this didn't seem like something coming from your own mind. You shrugged shaking your 

head.

"I don't know it just does. It will make me faster and smoother on missions?"

 

"Then explain why you were slower last night."

 

"I-I don't know it's-

 

"Y/N stop lying, the eating issue isn't coming from you. It's coming from your mom. She's the one that made you like this." You stared at her horrified, not only that she interrupted you (which she had never done!) but also that she would accuse your mom.

 

"Izz you have it all wrong! This was my idea and mine alone. Leave me mother out of it."

 

"Y/N I heard you after that last argument! She called you weak and told you to watch your weight because she feared it would slow you down! She's the one making you feel like this! Can't you see it?" You shook your head glaring at her.

 

"Your wrong! You're lying! She meant well, this was my idea not her's. She would never want me to be this weak. I was only doing what I had to do."

 

"Y/N what did she want you to do to be faster?" Your eyes flickerd back and fourth as you thought through your last conversation with your mother. Isabelle was right, it had been about your missions, but had she said that stuff to you? You couldn't remember. You closed your eyes clinching your palms.

 

"I-I don't remember." You were sad to admit it. You didn't want to believe that your mom would ever want you to be like this. You looked up to Izzy who's gaze had softened upon seeing your broken state.

 

"Hey, it's going to be okay. We're all going to be here to help you through it." You looked around seeing the smiles and nods. Clary's vanished of course upon seeing your hands.

 

"Y/N your hands!" You looked down confused but unclenched them to see blood soaked into your nails and deep cuts formed into the shape of crescent moons inside 

your palms. You frowned not really knowing what to do. You didn't really see the point in fixing them as you didn't feel it, plus it isn't like you really still cared about this

life so who cares if they get infected. Magnus had grabbed your hands before you could think about it. His magic taking it's time to heal your hands. You looked at them

continuing to frown as you watched them heal in front of you…that wasn't what you wanted. You snatched them back as soon as his grip loosened, His frown matched 

yours as he looked at you.

 

"Y/N why didn't you want me to heal you?" You watched him skeptically for reasons you weren't sure. You shrugged not trusting yourself to speak. He moved closer 

gently. "Y/N talk to me." You watched him closely, inwardly deciding how much you trusted him, or any of your other friends for that matter. Finally you nodded slowly.

 

"I don't know exactly what it is, but I like the scars. They make me feel something, they remind me of all the pain I felt when I did them and it's almost…peaceful? I 

don't know if that's the right word, but they make me feel something. Something other than disappointment. Seeing them disappear makes me feel as though I still 

don't feel anything except guilt. Magnus nodded, you could tell he was really trying hard to understand. He laid his hand on top of yours once more.

 

"I'm sorry, I should have asked before I healed you." You smiled sincerely grateful to have someone like him in your life. You could tell looking at the rest they didn't understand, but that's okay you didn't expect them to.

 

"I don't understand why you didn't come to us. We're your family, your best friends. Did you not trust us?" You looked at Jace meeting his gaze. You thought about it, really considering why you chose so avidly to hide.

 

"If I had told you would you have made me stop?" Jace looked at you eyebrows raised.

 

"Would you expect any less?" You smiled softly

 

"There's your answer." He nodded, he still seemed to be thinking it over, but at least he sort of understood you now. "Jace I didn't want to get better, having someone try to make me would have only hurt more." He nodded.

 

"You know this has to stop right?" You turned to look at Alec. He looked completely and utterly serious, but not stone cold as you were expecting. You sighed fighting the urge to run and jump off a bridge somewhere. You didn't answer as you laid back down cuddling into the sheets and letting sleep take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how long it took to update this. I really wanted to finish it but looks like that still won't be happening this time, guess we can always hope for next chapter. As always if you have any comments, suggestions, or helpful critiques I gladly accept them! Also any requests are always welcome and actually really appreciated. Much love for everyone and hope you're having a blessed day!
> 
> Love,
> 
> Kaitlyn
> 
> Book currently reading: Behind Closed Doors (still iffy on if I like it but I'll keep you updated, Your Voice Is All I Hear the last one I mentioned turned out to be really good!)
> 
> Current favorite song: Home by Bebe Rexa, X-Ambassadors, and Machine Gun Kelley
> 
> Current favorite thing in life: My puppy Bentley!
> 
> Update in life: I got a new phone today! Yay no more glitches!
> 
> Favorite color: Pink
> 
> Favorite quote at the moment: "The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and expecting different results"
> 
> Night night everyone, happy drifting.


	9. In The End it's All Okay

Alec watched as you stared at him, eyes vacant, but yet still so full of pain. You didn't respond. You slowly lowered yourself down into your bed cuddling up with the

sheets and falling asleep. It was such a slow motion it almost seemed to pain you to do something so simple. As if you were so exhausted by the life you lived that you

couldn't do the most simple of things. It broke Alec to see you like this, a once so vibrant and fun person, his favorite person to be around. The one he went to about

everything, laying here in a hospital because life just became too hard. And he hadn't been there to help you. One thing he was sure of, he was going to be there no

matter what.

The group looked at you as you slept. All of them becoming increasingly worried by your response to Alec. They thought you would argue a little, put up some sort of

fight, but no…you went to bed. Not a word said. Once they were sure you were asleep and nothing dangerous was left in the room with you they headed out to talk.

"What do we do?" Clary was the one to ask. No one knew what to say until Magnus spoke.

"I've been through rough times similar to Y/N's. I'll see if I can talk to her. Try to get her to open up and let us in. The sooner she does that the sooner she'll be able to

recover. When I went through this I had to be watched constantly. She'll be looking for any chance to finish what she started, she might be sedated now but when she

gets desperate enough she'll fight to end it. Everyone breaks at a different point, but when she does you can't yell at her. She's fragile and she'll need our support.

That's the best advice I can offer." Magnus stared at the floor as he explained. Alec felt his heart clench never wanting to picture Magnus in anything near the same

state.

"You went through this too?" Magnus glanced up only for a second. He seemed to be struggling for words, just as you had only moments before. Alec could see the

similarities between you and his boyfriend.

"Yes, I understand Y/N far better than I ever wished to." With that he walked away. "I'll be back when she wakes up to talk to her."

"Where are you going?" Alec asked trying to keep the panic out of his voice as Magnus began to get farther away.

"I need time to think." It was the last thing he said before disappearing down the hallway.

Everyone watched him leave. No one really knew what to say. It had already been decided that the others wouldn't speak to you until he had. "How are we going to help

her?" Izzy spoke up seeming to be in her own world. Frowning at how different their lives had become in the past twenty four hours.

"I don't know." Alec spoke before following Magnus down the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for such a late chapter! I just go through these really weird stages where I don't want to write or I can't find the time, or I just really don't know how to continue. Really sorry either way, work got cancelled today though so of course I'm writing! If anyone has any requests or ideas I am open to all suggestions and I can't wait to see you all again soon.
> 
> P. S. Does anyone know what that actually means? Here are my tips for what to do when you're upset, feeling hopeless, or depressed, or even anxious (all things I deal with). Listen to happy songs that make you feel something, personally I suggest Taylor Swift or Sia (they both have a lot of upbeat songs), read random fun facts (not only is it entertaining but it also makes you feel more intelligent which will make you feel much less useless), and finally read, write, color, or draw (these help to be a creative release and is just in fact fun and relaxing). Hope you all have a great Wednesday! Until the next time.


	10. In The End it's All Okay

Alec watched as you stared at him, eyes vacant, but yet still so full of pain. You didn't respond. You slowly lowered yourself down into your bed cuddling up with the

sheets and falling asleep. It was such a slow motion it almost seemed to pain you to do something so simple. As if you were so exhausted by the life you lived that you

couldn't do the most simple of things. It broke Alec to see you like this, a once so vibrant and fun person, his favorite person to be around. The one he went to about

everything, laying here in a hospital because life just became too hard. And he hadn't been there to help you. One thing he was sure of, he was going to be there no

matter what.

The group looked at you as you slept. All of them becoming increasingly worried by your response to Alec. They thought you would argue a little, put up some sort of

fight, but no…you went to bed. Not a word said. Once they were sure you were asleep and nothing dangerous was left in the room with you they headed out to talk.

"What do we do?" Clary was the one to ask. No one knew what to say until Magnus spoke.

"I've been through rough times similar to Y/N's. I'll see if I can talk to her. Try to get her to open up and let us in. The sooner she does that the sooner she'll be able to

recover. When I went through this I had to be watched constantly. She'll be looking for any chance to finish what she started, she might be sedated now but when she

gets desperate enough she'll fight to end it. Everyone breaks at a different point, but when she does you can't yell at her. She's fragile and she'll need our support.

That's the best advice I can offer." Magnus stared at the floor as he explained. Alec felt his heart clench never wanting to picture Magnus in anything near the same

state.

"You went through this too?" Magnus glanced up only for a second. He seemed to be struggling for words, just as you had only moments before. Alec could see the

similarities between you and his boyfriend.

"Yes, I understand Y/N far better than I ever wished to." With that he walked away. "I'll be back when she wakes up to talk to her."

"Where are you going?" Alec asked trying to keep the panic out of his voice as Magnus began to get farther away.

"I need time to think." It was the last thing he said before disappearing down the hallway.

Everyone watched him leave. No one really knew what to say. It had already been decided that the others wouldn't speak to you until he had. "How are we going to help

her?" Izzy spoke up seeming to be in her own world. Frowning at how different their lives had become in the past twenty four hours.

"I don't know." Alec spoke before following Magnus down the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for such a late chapter! I just go through these really weird stages where I don't want to write or I can't find the time, or I just really don't know how to continue. Really sorry either way, work got cancelled today though so of course I'm writing! If anyone has any requests or ideas I am open to all suggestions and I can't wait to see you all again soon.
> 
> P. S. Does anyone know what that actually means? Here are my tips for what to do when you're upset, feeling hopeless, or depressed, or even anxious (all things I deal with). Listen to happy songs that make you feel something, personally I suggest Taylor Swift or Sia (they both have a lot of upbeat songs), read random fun facts (not only is it entertaining but it also makes you feel more intelligent which will make you feel much less useless), and finally read, write, color, or draw (these help to be a creative release and is just in fact fun and relaxing). Hope you all have a great Wednesday! Until the next time.


	11. The Things I Tried To Hide

Magnus

I don't know how to feel. This all seems so familiar to me, far too familiar. It's a part of me I left behind a long time ago. A part I never wanted to relive or share. Watching Y/N, seeing how similar our situations are kills me. I don't know what to say to her. It can't be the usual 'I know what you're going through crap.' That never works. It has to get through to her. I HAVE to get through to her. I couldn't live with myself if she got her wish granted.

Seeing her so lifeless when she was lying on her bed, surrounded by all that blood…it was one of the worst things I had ever seen. A moment popped into my head, a moment that I hadn't thought of in years. It was when I had decided that I no longer mattered and should end everything. The moment Camille had saved me. Told me how special and important I was, and proved it to me…that's what I have to do! I have to prove it to her. I will show her just how amazing she truly is. How we all need her, because we really do.

Alec

I couldn't help but feel a sense of panic hit me in the chest when I didn't see Magnus as I turned the corner. My eyes scanned the room seeing him on the balcony in the distance. I walked towards him staying quiet because there was just something about Magnus unaware that made me so happy and comfortable. Like I was falling in love with him all over again. Of course this time I noticed the hints of sadness that flickered through his eyes. The stoic expression his lips help. He was in deep thought and his thoughts weren't pleasant ones. I stayed a little out of view watching the way his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes lit up as he realized something.

"Hey." I said coming out of my hiding place. He looked up at me the light brightening in his eyes in a way that made my heart tighten in the cringeiest way possible.

"Hey, how long have you been there?" I shrugged smiling embarrassedly at being caught. Magnus smiled at me with that oh so gentle smile.

"Not long. What are you thinking about? Any ideas on what you're going to say to her?" He nodded looking back towards the city as he leaned on the rail. I joined him wanting to give him as much comfort as possible.

"I never told you about that part of my life. I want you to know that it wasn't because I didn't trust you…it's just…it's easier for me to move on rather than talk and think about those parts. It may not be healthy, but I've never really been that mentally sound. I've gotten better I promise you that Alexander, but I was just so scared that if I talked about my past that I would only repeat it." I nodded waiting for him to look at me before responding.

"I get it. I think I kind of do the same thing. I'm not mad at you, I want you to know that. I just wish that neither of you had to feel this way." He sighed smiling bitterly as he looked from me to the city below.

"Me too." There was a quiet moment before he spoke again.

"Do you want me to tell you about it?"

"Of course, but only if you want to." His bitter smile stayed as he continued to look out at the view.

"I don't think I'll ever be comfortable talking about it, but I think it would be good for me to let it go. I don't want to keep anything from you. You deserve to know." I nodded smiling encouragingly at him before waiting.

"The first time I ever hurt myself intentionally was when I was ten. My Mama had been dead for two years and what she had done was really starting to dawn on me. I finally understood what suicide was and why she did what she did. I had never wanted to believe my step father when he said that she didn't love me, but I began to understand that they may have been the truth. It began to occur to me in those years that how would anyone ever care about me or love me if my own mother couldn't even live with me. I began to cut myself each time one of these thoughts came up, or any time I was called a name. I didn't want my grandparents to know though so I just became known as clumsy as anytime I was in the kitchen my finger was always cut by the knife or I was burned by the fire. No one batted an eye. I could get away with so much. It wasn't until one day when I was fourteen that anyone had ever caught me. My grandparents had been at a party that I had asked to skip because I hated parties. I had cut a little too deep and had gotten dizzy, I didn't hear my grandma coming into the house until she was in front of me yelling my name. She stitched me up using her magic, which I was shocked to find that she had. She told me she had never shown my mom because she was close minded, but she knew I was special. Something about that hit me. She didn't yell at me, she wasn't mad or upset. She simply told me I was special and amazing and that was all it took for me to feel better. She did keep me under close watch. I didn't hurt myself again for many years. My Grandma and I stayed very close into my adult years. It wasn't until I was standing in front of her grave that those thoughts came back to me….I went down a really bad spiral. Alec, I had never felt so lost in my life. My Grandma was my everything. I just felt all of those insecurities come hitting me again, the feeling of never being loved, of never having what truly mattered to me-a family.- Nothing changed for a really long time. I just kept going lower and lower. If I wasn't able to use my magic I wouldn't have had any part of my body that didn't have scars. Alec I finally had enough, what Y/N was talking about in there. That was exactly what I was feeling. I understood her to a t. And it terrified me, because when I got to that point…it was over for me. I had it all planned Alec. I was standing on top of a bridge when Camille found me. Alec no matter what that women has done, no matter how much you don't like her, because I know you don't, but Alec she saved me. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be here."

Magnus Pov

When I looked back to the man I had come to love so much it broke my heart. I had never wanted him to see this part of me, but I had learned a long time ago not to keep things from him. He always knew. He didn't care how ugly I ever was. He only ever loved me. Seeing him now though, seeing how much he wished he could be there, even when he had no control over it. I couldn't take it. "Hey, come here." I pulled him in for probably the tightest hug I had ever given anyone, not able to take his sadness, especially not sadness I had caused. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-

"What are you apologizing for?" He looked as confused as I felt.

"I made you sad. My story made you sad."

"I mean of course it did, I love you. I never want you to be in pain, but don't think for one second that any of that is your fault." I looked at him, really looked at him not wanting him to say things just to make me feel better.

"You mean that?" He looked almost angry.

"OF course! Magnus what happened with your mom was not your fault. You have magic, so what! It's what makes you beautiful. I have said it before and I will tell you before and I will tell you everyday as long as I live if it means you will believe it and never feel that way again." His words brought the largest smile to my face. I don't remember ever feeling more loved.

Alec's Pov

I watched as that beautiful smile formed on Magnus's face, warming my heart in the process. There was no way I would ever stop loving the man in front of me. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." I kissed him, trying to convey all of the love in the world into that kiss. "Hey Magnus, promise me you will tell me if things ever get that bad." It brought a small smile to his face, him remembering the same thing has had made me promise just a few months ago.

"Of course. For you I would do anything." As I held him in my arms I truly believed him. I knew we would be okay, I could only hope the same for Y/N.


End file.
